26th of August 2016:
Right now I’ve hit rock bottom. I’m trying to fall asleep since 3 hours but my thoughts are keeping me wide awake. Thoughts, tormented by despair over jealousy, disappointment and the life hatred that comes with these feelings.
What keeps me awake are mostly my everyday problems:
- Dragging myself to work, smiling to survive the day that is lined with simple but stressful tasks that seem meaningless to me. All that while I feel broken inside from boredom and half-heartedness.
- My inability to emotionless watch how nature is destroyed doesn’t help me falling asleep either. Everything has to be checked on its negative impact on the world.
- Getting nothing done that really matters to me because I’m so stressed out about everything that I prefer doing nothing at all.
- Self-hatred that I’ve tried to combat a few times. I did emotional work with some books a few times and one really worked wonders – until I let the old habits crawl back again.
These problems are not there at all times or at least not that pronounced that I couldn’t live with them but when depression’s at its best they combine and grow and that’s when they drive me totally nuts: I hate waking up in the morning (and getting up is the hardest task of the day!), going to bed in the evening, can’t laugh at jokes anymore and don’t like to be around human beings at all. Everything seems so much harder than it should be. Cleaning your room for instance or showering.
I can’t live with this stress anymore.
I don’t want to live like this anymore!
I have to free myself of my feelings of guilt, the bordedom and pain I don’t want to endure anymore. I must finally take responsibility for my own life and concentrate on things that matter to me. This pain is not permanent just as the void which creeps in my life, eats all the happiness inside and sucks the colours right out of it. I know it – I can feel happy!
I’m not sick – my life probably just has the wrong focus. A captured animal in the cage of its own thoughts and fears.
A part of me wants to die. Another part wants to fight.
Writing helps me focus on the fighting part and the tasks I have to get done to become happy again – that’s why I’ve created this blog! Here I’m sharing everything I’ve learned so far and what could be helpful for fighting various symptoms of depression, anxiety and mood improvement!
I sincerely hope my journey and experiments will help people conquering their own depression, anxiety disorders or other problems/diseases!
Feel free to share some thoughts and ideas with me. I’ll be happy to have like-minded people on this journey with me 🙂